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Muslim seeking the pleasure and mercy of Allah, Most High... Sunnah style!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Chasing Marriage (The Yearn)

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alameen ja'alana minal Muslimeen. All praise rightfully and naturally belongs to Allah; Lord, Creator, Sustainer and Evolver of all worlds and existing things, Who has blessed us with the greatest blessing of all by making us Muslim. Indeed the best of speech is the speech of Allah: al-Qur'an. And most certainly the best of guidance is the guidance of Rasulullah, the Messenger of Allah, Muhammad ibn Abdullah salallahu 'alayhi wa salaam: as-Sunnah.

As-salaamu 'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,

To begin... I'll comment on the image above. The reasons I used it are two-fold: one, it's relevant to the topic and secondly to see if it's only me who notices these same guys pop up in nearly every Muslim site or Islam-related google search I run. Not limited to this particular image either, but the same "couple" in several different poses, profiles and angles. Am I the only one annoyed by this? Allahumma ighfirli warhamni (O Allah forgive me and have Mercy).

To proceed... what prompted me to touch on such a severe topic was a discussion I had with one of our brothers only moments ago. I give the adjective "severe" because for the many whom are seemingly overanxious to get married, this sort of yearning is done at the expense of what they should ultimately be yearning above all else (i.e. Jannah). Our aspirations and goals, big and small, whether Jannah, higher knowledge, marriage, family, new house, new car, new career, etc., are not successfully and lawfully met without one critical prerequisite... SABR (PATIENCE).

We pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant us and increase us continually in sabr that we not fall into error. Many of our brothers and sisters befall impatient, and once this impatience and anxiety is exploited by our "friend" Shaytan... "hello, haraam!" It must be ingrained in our minds, O Muslims, that every predicament and circumstance we find ourselves in is by the grace of Allah. Allah told us what means:

"On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bare." -Al Baqara v.286

So no matter the fitnah we have to be thankful and praise Allah, because it is for the best whether we perceive it or not. Allah said what means:

"...it is possible that yet dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth while ye know not." -Al Baqara v.216

And how great our Rabb, ar-Rahman, blesses and rewards His servants for their acts of steadfastness and patience. Alhamdulillah, He is al-Mujeeb (The Responsive, The Answerer of supplication).

Imperative as well we bare in mind that Allah only places us through trials to either absolve or prepare us for something. The very reason new trials always trivialize the previous ones. So in the case of chasing marriage, consider if you're not married yet, and desperately yearn so, that you may not be prepared for the immense responsibility and obligation binding on you as a Muslim man or woman for marriage. Be grateful to Allah for the time He is allowing you to ready yourself for this noble endeavor. Think of the MANY Muslim men and women who get married prematurely; categorically unprepared and they wind up miserable. May Allah help them, grant them ease and eventual success and health in their affairs. This isn't intended to scare you out of marriage, only to encourage you to better ponder and prepare yourself for it. Allah, al-Hakim (The Most Wise), will bless you with your spouse at His Will. Until then, plea to Allah to increase you in sabr and strengthen your control over your nafs. Seek refuge in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala from the evil persuasions of your nafs often.

*NOTE: By being prepared, I don't mean, you haven't got your Master's or Ph.D, yet. That to me is complete and utter nonsense. If the opportunity presents itself, wherever you are in life, hasten the commitment. Don't waste time. Get it done. In fact, this is Sunnah. The more you stall, the more risk you run to opening your arms joyously screaming: "HELL-LOW HARAAM!"*

There is an entire gambit of benefits in marriage discoursed in the framework of the Qur'an and Sunnah. Far more than I'm prepared to list, so I'll instead summarize the basics which outline the broader, minute details:

  1. To beget children
  2. To control sexual urges
  3. To obtain peace of mind
  4. To increase in ibad'at or divine servitude
  5. To gain rewards from fulfilling duties to family
All of the above and everything encompassing each of them are beautiful and no doubt, desirable. But emotionally and psychologically, you must be prepared. Not in the sense that you'll be ready to take on all tasks and respond to every unforeseen circumstance naturally and correctly. How foolish and very unrealistic. Rather, be prepared in the sense you're fully aware of the qualities and duties expected upon yourself to maintain the best relationship possible, in'sha'Allah.

Allah tells us that as spouses we are to be as garments to one another (Al Baqara v.187). Allah azza wa jall also tells us, men, that we are to be the protectors, providers and maintainers of women. This does not imply that so long as your family has a roof, the bills are covered and you purchase all or most the groceries and other necessities that she should be content. A woman requires far more. And I'm not saying this to be all, for lack of a better phrase, "punk smooth" about it. It is all according to the Sunnah of our beloved Rasul salallahu 'alayhi wa salaam. As husbands we have to engage conversation, stop what we're doing almost at once to provide undivided attention to our wife when she walks in, compliment her often- if she doesn't feel like she's the most loved and most beautiful woman in all the world, then you're falling short as a husband. Be dependable. Be affectionate. Spontaneously offer her favors and things (without being asked). Again, I'm not pulling these ideas out thin air or some kufr "10 steps towards improving your marriage" jumpoff. All this advice and more were all discussed and obligated upon us by the hikma of Allah ta'ala 1400 years ago. Allah and His Messenger have established the rights of the woman OVER the men at a time when the now "civilized" democratic West were denying women legal and basic human rights, at a time when spousal abuse was an accepted and common practice. If people knew and Muslims by and large really observed the rights Allah gave women over their husbands, these Islamophobes would've got their propaganda right, that in Islam it's the men who are oppressed, NOT the women!

Muhammad salallahu 'alayhi wa salaam went as far as to advise the men to not just roll over like some log after being intimate with their wife in bed. Not only are you to see to it she "achieves satisfaction" as well, but you must stroke and caress her until she sleeps. As the saying goes, if the wife is not happy, nobodies happy. A famous hadith we all should know: "the best among you are those best to their wives."

And true enough, I'm happily married so all this is very easy for me to say. Alhamdulillah. But brothers (and sisters) in Islam, take whatever good may have come out of this article and implement it to the fullest. It should help, bi'idnillah. In the meantime, prepare yourself so when Allah fulfills your aspirations for married life, you'll establish the best one possible, in'sha'Allah. Whatever good I stated is from Allah and any mistakes are strictly my own. Allah forgive me for them and may He protect us all from their misguidance.



Safiyyah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Brother:

Alhamdulillah, what you write is correct. Although I am happily married now, Masha Allah, I did have my pain in the past due to being inpatient.

Ya Rabb. We are humans; everyone wants to be loved and happy. But if we do not be patient and seek Allah's will, we will end up with fitnah.

Abdul Vakil (AV) said...

Wa'alaikum as-salaam wa Rahmatullah. You said it, sister. And glad you could extract any good from this. Alhamdulillah. Fi amaani Allah.

Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...

Assalamualaikum brother,
may Allah swt bless your marriage and may you have more happycomings with your wife insy'Allah. and mash'Allah what you say is simply true. Allah Ma3k Akhi.

A'qilah Saiere

Ibrahim said...

Waleykuma Salaam my brother,
You're right. However, I think the reason for a lot of Muslim brothers and sisters yearning for marriage is for the right reason,i.e staying away from sins. Which would indeed qualify as yearning for Jannah. With that being said, rushing into such a big decision as who to marry is a big mistake. So, I suggest, yearn for marriage but put Jannah first and all else will follow.

Ibrahim said...